Loneliness among Gay Men

It seems that, more than straight men, more than lesbians, gay men have serious issues with simply being alone.

I know I've fallen victim to chasing a guy who was either not interested or just a plain asshole. I would put up with it because I thought I could "show" him I was worth it.

I also know of many older gay men who have great stories of old flames and steamy memories...but they're all alone now and desperately chasing after a young little thing who, again, is not that interested.

Why would so many gay man prefer to be sugar daddies, for example, than learn to be alone?

[quote]Why would so many gay man prefer to be sugar daddies, for example, than learn to be alone

ummm, oh.....i dunno.....maybe because we like cock and ass

Are you Asian OP / BabyShark?

[quote] I know I've fallen victim to chasing a guy who was either not interested or just a plain asshole. I would put up with it because I thought I could "show" him I was worth it.

There lies the very core to your, and a lot of people's, problem. You are not looking for happiness, you are looking for heartbreak to affirm to yourself that you are not worthy of happiness (because you grew up to believe that gays are not worthy to be loved, respected, etc). People deliberately look for relationships that are doomed from the start and if a good relationships slips its way into your awareness you quickly get rid of it through self-sabotage.

I would like to be happier, but I've been alone for a very long time. My one and only boyfriend was during the Reagan Era. I've had lots of encounters, but dating was usually rare and heartbreaking. I was also very dumb when it came to men. Mostly due to insecurity. Now I'm aged out of the social scene (56), black, not cute and there's no way I'm going to subject myself to the tortures of West Hollywood in 2019 when I actually lived there (Laurel/Fountain) in the 80s early 90s in my 20s when I was young and hot and still got treated like shit. Now, due to age and illness, I'm not so enthusiastic to put myself out there. At least my interest in men always remained in my own age group throughout life. I'm not into twinks.

After cancer treatment 5 years ago, radiation in my groin area caused my dick to shrink. I was average to begin with (already an issue with me as a gay black man dealing with BBC stereotypes), but now I'm just tiny. And it barely works. And I can't ejaculate due to the internal plumbing getting screwed up by radiation as well. Not something I want to lead with on Grindr. I can tell people I'm still a nice guy, a good listener (my mouth works fine and I give good head), but who really has the time? I have to get used to being alone. I wish I could offer a big, hard cock that could keep someone screaming all night, but that's not possible. I'm not sure what to do but be friendly and smile and try to be nice to people. I don't mind being alone, but I do get lonely sometimes.

We spend so much time looking for quick encounters that we just don't build the skills for long term relationships well.

Many people gain companionship through having families and most gay don't have children.

I do think younger gays are changing this as they get married and have families.

The flip side is, a lot of gay men are just picky to the nth degree. I've seen it so many times, but just recently a good friend met a guy and things were going great. I met the guy, he seemed beyond perfect for him. Then suddenly the friend ends it.

Why?

Because he hadn't noticed that Mr. Perfect was wearing contacts, then one day he sees Mr. Perfect in glasses because Mr. Perfect had run out of contacts and was waiting for his next order in the mail.

My friendhates glasses. So much he ended what could have been a great relationship over seeing this guy wearing them. Once.

All I could do was shake my head. Friend is 40 and doomed.

More than straight men? The incels who often these days become mass shooters? I'm not too sure about that comparison.

Narcissists end up lonely.

I do not think gay men are any lonelier than any other demographic group, rather lonely for different reasons and under someone different circumstances. I find myself single at 66 after to long term relationships. Both ended obviously, and both ended for very good reasons. So yes I find myself lonely. But so are people who lose spouses and have failed relationships- aside from those who never had any. Rather than focus on the gay stereotype as a guy always looking over his shoulder and such, I think you need to look harder at loneliness associated with growing older. Certainly family fills the gay, and of course gay men more likely not to have children. What do you do? Some have said older men "chasing" younger men is pathetic. Depends what you mean. I look to make new and younger friends. I am not chasing them- rather befriending. The offer me the energy of their youth and I offer them the wisdom of my years- and even financial support provided carefully and creatively- as a parent might. And then there is remaining open to change and to the unexpected.- another partner? You cannot change a situation by continuing to do the same thing. Older straight adults have much the same problems- isolation in old age. They too need to make new and younger friends.

I am profoundly worried about being very old and without an advocate for my care even though I have resources to provide for my care. All the resources in the world do not protect you entirely, and sometimes not at all. And of course I do not want to burden nieces and nephews. But I have seen networks of younger gay men who look after their older friends. And why not?

So it depends on what you do about it- as you grow old. It will never be easy.

Thank Christ I was an only child -- I learned how to be alone AND LIKE IT. (Perhaps too much, but that's the other side of the coin.) I also learned early on that gay men are, well, see the story at R6. Got my heart drop-kicked a couple of times and learned that while it didn't kill me I didn't need to go through that again on purpose. So the occasional hookup here and there sufficed; no hook up? Well, I can take care of that myself, thanks. So now I'm 63 and have my health, a roof over my head and good friends -- all vastly more important than a relationship. Also, Charlie above is exactly right about nurturing friendships with younger people. They'll keep you connected to the world.

straight men tend to have longer relationships/marriages so are not nearly as often living alone as they get older. and those that lose their partners usually have kids to give them some sense of belonging. with "assimilation" more older gay guys are beginning to experience that too

You didn't need to write a whole thesis on it R9.

If R9 had something interesting or unique to add it would be okay, but he didn't, R12.

[quote] maybe because we like cock and ass.

Serious question. Do you think Calvin Klein had a ton of sex with Nick Gruber? (CK was quite a bit older than NG when they were together.) I suspect CK needed NG for companionship and to have someone "on his arm" at social events. (I don't think sex was the overriding (no pun intended) reason.) JMO.

Serious question. Do you think Calvin Klein had a ton of sex with Nick Gruber?

Yes.

Sometimes I'd rather have a cat or two than deal with people.

I read some interesting psych shit online the other day tangentially about the topic of choosing a mate and being in a relationship. It was noted that most people don't get relationships - they think it's based primarily on physical attraction or other external characteristics; when in fact, what makes relationships work is 2 people who are mutually supporting each other in whatever ways are needed by the individuals and the couple.

And this support cannot occur unless the partners are emotionally intelligent, to use a tired phrase. They are good listeners; they have empathy; they are not over-emotional; and they put the relationship first among their priorities in life.

That's not what you see out there. People on the apps and on dating sites demand pics, and show highly maniuplated and/or old pics. They talk about their vacations and cars and jobs. They're peacocking, not evaluating suitable mates or showing themselves as a mature stable potential mate.

The article also talks about liars. How some people will lie, and how some dating books (The Real Rules, for instance) encourage you to lie to your partners early in dating. The articles' authors emphasized taking enough time to sniff all the corners of your potential partner's life for signs of troublesome behaviors and attitudes.

Most relationships fail. Why bother in the first place.

R9 : "They offer me the energy of their youth and I offer them the wisdom of my years - and even financial support provided carefully and creatively- as a parent might"... Sure Jan!

People like R10 need to have it explained to them: Nowhere in history or in modern science is it shown that being solitary is a good thing. All research shows that people who are alone are less happy, less healthy, and less wealthy. Single people have more symptoms of major mental illness than those who are coupled.

It is a brief fluke of modern western culture that one can afford to be solitary, to live in a home alone, and to be able to obtain the necessities of daily life without the direct involvement and labor of other people. Historically, loners were agitated, ill, at best eccentric or devout.

There is simply no evidence to show that being a single late middle age gay male is a positive thing, for the eldergay or for society. The eldergay might prefer it; but this is only due to a lifetime habit of selfishness.

Men being men. The chase after fresh (younger) meat is not exclusive to gay orientation. Personally and luckily, I have never been attracted to nor interested in much younger people, neither have succumbed to the youth worship craze. I see lonely people everywhere. Gay, straight, you name it ... people preocuppied with the way they look, with the way they don't measure up to others, e.t.c.. Here are few points that can make you feel better about yourself and your life in general: 1) Don't do to others what you would not want to be done to you 2) Accept the facts of life and stop bitching about every little inconvienience 3) Quit social media and focus on more meanifgful contacts or activities 4) Find a hobby! 5) Adopt a pet!

The key there, R21, is a two-word phrase you're missing: "on average." Which means that, even if "on average" everything you say is true, it remains that case that there are people who are alone who are happy and/or healthy and/or wealthy. Being alone precludes none of that.

By the way, based on a cursory Google search, it looks like it's not nearly as clear cut as you seem to think it is about solitary people and happiness. Nor is it necessarily the case throughout history that "loners were agitated, ill, at best eccentric or devout." And it definitely is not the case that an "eldergay" will only prefer to be alone because of "a lifetime habit of selfishness." That's just dumb.

Sorry, but your post was pretty foolish, particularly since R10 didn't say he was "solitary." He specifically said that he had "good friends," which is the opposite of solitary.

All of my single friends are not very self aware, pretty selfish and rigid in their tastes . Now that they’re in their early sixties, they’re petrified of being alone. I’m lucky enough to be in a 30+ year relationship. i feel like I never get alone time. Maybe it’s not good either way. What’s the opposite of lonely?

R4 most guys over 55 cannot stay hard for long. You are in the majority.

R4 Heres a big ole hug for you Honey. Your post really touched me. Thats one of the most truthful posts Ive ever seen on here about how it really feels to be lonely.

one's ability to provide excellent blowjobs and rimming does not depend on the hardness of a cock

R18, because the ones that don’t fail are magical.

I’ve never been afraid of being single and in my twenties I was pursuing fuck buddies while most people I knew were pursuing relationships. I actually looked down on people like that since most seemed desperate while not being emotionally ready at the same time.

Anyway in my 30s I met a man that changed my life. We’ve been together since and not only am I happy with him, but it’s also positively affecting other aspects of my life.

For example, in my career, I suddenly started to stand out and w my partners support have taken risks I wouldn’t have taken when I was single. The risks have paid off. Also, at my company it seems people’s careers take off after they settle down. I now get invited to events I didn’t before and I’m being invited by coworkers that are married. So being in a good relationship positively affects almost every other aspect of your life as well.

Being single is better than being in a bad relationship but being in a good relationship will always be better than being single.

Also, since I enjoyed being single (and slutty) in my 20s, I don’t think I’m missing out on anything either.

What R28 said is the ultimate truth:

"Being single is better than being in a bad relationship but being in a good relationship will always be better than being single."

I'm super disabled and lonely....all I want is a nice boyfriend, or a hot date! Or both!

R21, if your worst fear is being alone, it is never too late to grow, meaning "to learn how to manage loneliness"... you codependents always justify your weakness using pseudo-science, pseudo-religion, pseudo-psychology... grow the fuck up!

Having friends in lieu of family loses its lustre when you all reach the age at which getting together is no longer possible.

My job requires me to be engaging and interactive, but I naturally love to be alone. I cherish all my time alone. A relationship would be nice, but Im so drained from people all week, I just can't see it for myself right now. I rarely even accept my friends invites for dinner and parties, that is how much I need time to recharge away from people at this moment in my life.

One of my friends just lost his spouse earlier this year, unexpectedly. After witnessing the trauma and deep, profound sorrow he has experienced over the last several months, I have more reservations about becoming so invested in a relationship. They add good things to your life, but unfortunately they don't last forever.

I wasn't an only child, but I spent a lot of time by myself when I was younger just playing in my room and coming up with stories which made me creative and led me to many great career opportunities. Because of this, I've always looked at myself as one of the lucky ones - I'm able to spend time by myself and not freak out. I have a loving boyfriend, but he works a lot as well and we make time to see each other as best we can. It's the perfect relationship for me, because I never feel smothered and our time is based more on quality than quantity.

So many people feel like they have to be around someone every second of every day. They spend their entire days working around other people, they get home and call their friends to see which club or bar they're going to that night, pick someone up there, go back and fuck, and repeat day in and day out. That sounds fucking exhausting to me to never have a moment of peace to myself.

When my bf was dying his sister said what about poor Jeff? He said, he'll be alright. He doesn't need people the way most people do.